Life Outside Social Media

Co-Dependence

     Prior to being in a relationship, I swore to myself that I would never put the weight of my happiness on someone else. I always wanted to strive for self-sufficiency – to know how to be content on my own regardless of the happiness that someone else grants me. For a little while, I actually felt like I reached that point, then I committed myself into a relationship that truly does make me happy, but I just somehow lost myself along the way.

     Lately, I don't know how to be happy anymore when I'm not with him. I don't enjoy the activities I used to love doing on my own because I would always crave his presence. That feeling of being so inadequate or lifeless has been revisiting me as if I'm my 16-year-old self again and that irritates me considerably. I spent years trying to grow at my own pace and I've honestly come such a long way from being an insecure, self-loathing teenage girl – only to regress and feel the same way all over again.

     I just want to make myself feel beautiful, intelligent, kind, loving, independent, and all the things I used to think I am – without desperately wanting to hear it from someone else. I just want to feel enough again and be whole on my own because at the dreaded circumstance that he stops loving me, I don't want to feel like I'm worthless and undeserving of love. I suppose I just miss being independent, secure, and accepting of who I am because that was the closest feeling I had to internal bliss.

     Ultimately, I know that self-development isn't always about moving forward. It actually involves quite a bit of reevaluation of the past, which I suppose is the part of the process where relapses may occur. It'll take some time for me – preferably alone – to rediscover that resistance to the cynical voices in my head, but I'm determined to fill it with my own voice again by reigniting my passions and lifting myself back up.

     If you're in a deeply co-dependent relationship, remember this in the empowering and moving words of Rupi Kaur,

"you are in the habit 
of co-depending 
on people to 
make up for what 
you think you lack 

who tricked you 
into believing 
another person
 was meant to complete you
 when the most they can do is complement."

Thursday, November 11, 2018
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bday

An Irvine-based style & beauty blogger

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